tangerine trees and marmalade skies

saw ciudad play after a long hiatus. mikey was not there. but it was nice to hear the boys once more.

go to the mattresses.

leave the gun. take the canoli.

i wonder why mom is coming to see me? does she suspect? is she going to grill me about my future plans? or does she just really want to see me? or all of the above? probably.

sometimes ps2 and books can be so evil.

reconnecting at the moment. im glad stephie is back. i miss my friends. i miss being completely happy. can't even remember when that was.

at least im getting my training ideas back.

its going to be called the think factory. a community of debate scholars writing about the most important issues of this age. each with their distinct column and nom de guer. haven't decided on mine. olats ung mga naiisip ko eh. must turn to music for inspiration and for something less contrived.

nothing beats le monde. no one can convince me any other brain food is better. no one.

no usual ranting against valentines day. i like it. its commercial but lovely. its just an excuse to make someone feel special or tell someone you love them. or have some romance in an otherwise boring routine. i say there are far worse things in the world.

its hard to be lonely. but harder still to be with someone and still feel lonely. mom is coming to see me on wednesday.

but somethings are more important. some people are more important than my self-absorption. besides i had some wying food for therapy. i wonder when stephie is coming back to town?

am still anguished. but im better at handling it now. or am i skillfully deflecting? sometimes i get so somber it scares me. somber was never in my vocabulary. i think about all the people i need to talk to before i go and i hesitate. i don't know yet why. all i know is that it's not because of the usual reasons.

watched sideways last night. i really liked it. my favorite was the part where miles was talking to maya. the tension in which the conversation takes place adds richness to an already profound exchange. in the next room, mile's friend who is getting married in a few days is fucking (very loudly) maya's friend. it is awkward. more so because they like each other. but they both have 'a lot of soul' and can't just get it on just like that. so they instead talk about grapes.

maya asks miles why he likes peunot so much. and he says its because its made from very temperamental thin skinned grapes that are very difficult to grow and easily spoil. these grapes can't grow everywhere like chardonnay grapes can. they can only grow in very specific places. and even then, only the most patient and loving i guess, of people can coax it to become its full potential. which is this unbelievable and wonderful tasting wine that is unlike no other in the world.

why i like it is pretty obvious. it gives me hope that i can find love. and be loved. and that there might be something more that can be coaxed out of me. and that there is someone on this planet who might coax it of me, if it pleases him.

'if i could be who you wanted all the time'. radiohead always understood.

in the darkness of my own thoughts and in the nakedness of the truth, i am sitting on the floor writing, hoping i can ease my anguish.

why can't i have self-possession? i always think that at the time, my response is necessary. my intensity was proportionate. i am anguished at having made denise cry. having her eyes burn at me like we were never friends. were we ever friends? did i do a bad job? is all this my fault? why do i have to intervene? and why do i have to fight all of them off? even the nice ones. did i really think they were monsters? or was/am i the monster? maybe i am the one evil.

i think im going soft. but i want to be softer. its painful having to let go of your pride. its like having people hate you watch you cut your arm and writhe in pain. they keep poker faces. they are horrified but you suspect they feel some measure of satisfaction or vindication with your act of self-mutilation.

i feel i can breath easier. it's a struggle to become a better person. but i promised shan that i would be. and so i shall.

oh my God! i think i just realised why i feel so strongly and act so strongly about this. this is me with the open forum i never got. maybe if i vindicate estelle, i vindicate people who are strange because they are misunderstood but are good people and need to be understood and loved. and recognised and appreciated.


is it the truth that persuades people? or is it the persuasion? how do you know then it is the truth? i've always done what i thought was the right thing to do. based on what i thought was the truth. but lately, i wonder if my truths are the truth? shan says i have a make believe world with its own constructs that i tend to let live in this world and therefore hurts people. if its true, then how do i live thinking a lot of things that i believe in must not be truths?

bri comforts me by saying my anger is necessary. at the time it let me save face and walk out with a modicum of dignity, turning my back. but was it? did i again bully them? i just thought estelle should be defended. why i thought i fell on my shoulders, i don't know how or why. or rather now i do. but the others are my kids too. and saddest and most embarassing thing about it is i see all the worst things about my being president in the way denise conducted herself awhile ago. she probably doesn't mean it. she's a good kid with a good heart. but she does so because its comforting. i understand. i wish i had been stronger and acted differently. at least it wouldn't have validated that type of behavior.

maybe its not about me. maybe i feel too important. and this inner turmoil of changing is my real battle. the other convenient fodder to use in orchestrating my old self's own demise.

God help me.